Greetings friends,
Below you will find the first of many contributions by the star of the epic Motor D short film, Interview with the Vampire: The Count Chocula Story and the still unfinished masterpiece Coxalot, Mr. David Kandt. For those of you who have never met him or had the pleasure to watch a film with him, Dave displays a child-like wonder to every film he sees. It reminds me of the same youthful exuberance of a young boy who discovers that you can kind of see a boob in the scrambled porn stations on the old school cable hook-ups.
Enjoy
Frank
Snakes on a plane… Has the world ever created a greater killer? Consider time,
disease, famine, war, zombies, misfortune and even bad luck; these things are
nothing in the face of the imminent danger presented to us by a pile of snakes on an
in flight plane. I’m sorry, that’s “mother fucking snakes on a mother fucking
plane”, to be precise.
This movie will undoubtedly receive all kinds of theatrical criticism for lack of
plot, character development, special effects, creativity and cinematography. But
those are all easy opinions to hold because it’s easy to beat a guy when he’s down.
So the question really is, “What can be said at the benefit of SOAP?” Snakes on a
plane is a movie that at its inception was intended to be a serious drama / horror
film that wanted to scare the life out of those who are afraid of snakes, flying,
the dark, suffocation and drop down oxygen masks. What a bunch of sissies they
targeted! I’m a tough guy, so snakes “ain’t shit” to me. But if I were a sissy,
then I would have sissied my pants so badly the row of seats in front of me would be
wet, and angry.
A brilliant woman once said, “It’s the ability to see under what is shown that makes
the difference between assessing which [movies] are good and which are bad.”
SOAP, the unknown acronym for ‘Snakes On A Plane’ was a ferocious “jump out at you”
suspense flick with so much “out jumping” that it could make you ’startle’ even when
you knew with full confidence that a snake was about to do an “out jump”. Snakes,
the unexpected all time jumping champions of the world (you know, the creature with
no legs), can jump like mother fuckers. Up ladders, over persons, out of toilets or
whatever obstacle they needed to concur. But beware; their only motivation to do a
“jump” is for the love of doing a “bite”. So if your wang is hanging out, or if
your nipples are exposed for an awkwardly long time on screen, or if you’re ugly and
sleeping then a snake is sure to strike out against your gratuitous indulgence to
the audience.
So did I like the film? The answer is yes, but understand that this is not a movie
that you go see because you’re ‘double serious guy’ with some kind of super eye for
watching and critiquing real deal film. No sir. This is a movie that you go to see
with the good humor that it wasn’t intended for. It’s a cheesy idea that was played
out as well as could possibly be played out. Put yourself in the position of the
director; you come into work one day, the boss says, “Here’s your new project. It’s
called ‘Snakes on A Plane’.” After kissing ass sufficiently you go to lunch and
peruse the script. You immediately realize that you’ve been handed that one script
that is a total box office embarrassment that everyone openly loves to hate and that
your career is over and your only recourse is to make the best out of what was
dropped on your nuts. What would you do?
The answer is you pay most of your budget to get Samuel L. Jackson to frontline the
movie and spend the rest of your budget getting B and B+ actors and actresses to
fill in the remainder. The only actors that could have done an equally impressive
job in delivering the true calmness needed to handle that cursed situation of having
snakes on a plane would be Magnum PI, Sgt. Martin Riggs from Lethal Weapon or Claude
Van Damn from anything he’s played in… you know his typecast.
So before you go hating, just remember that if you were sitting in that window seat,
and the take off of the plane was bumpy, and it was a red eye from Hawaii, and you
hated snakes, then this documentary would have led to all kinds of government
funding to say that they’re sorry that you’re black.
But I digress.
It’s just a good movie for those who like to be entertained, not for those who are
demanding of the movies they watch. You’ll not be moved to make drastic changes to
your life, but you will love it! I next hope to see a sequel to this movie.
Perhaps “Snakes on A Truck”, or “Snakes in A Submarine”. Or maybe step it up a
notch to something like “Snakes AND Spiders Everywhere”.
Review Contributed by David Kandt
