A Dark Xmas Story by John Lambie
Last year when Motor D hit Dark Xmas ‘05 we learned a valuable lesson - even if you don’t sell a pile of DVD’s, it is still fun to get drunk in the hotel bar with a bunch of freaks and skanks. Dark Xmas ‘06 taught us that hanging out in an abandoned hotel restaurant listening to a screaming contest is not as much fun, although selling more than twice the merchandise is pretty cool.
Moved from Warren, Ohio to Austintown (also known as the poor mans youngstown) - Dark Xmas ought6 took up residence at the America’s Best Value Inn and Suites, which I can assure you is neither a value or sweet. At $45 a night one would think any lodging establishment with running water would be a bargain, yeah, well one would think otherwise after staying at the ABV (and suites).
You know those investigative reports where reporters take black lights into hotel rooms to show off bodily fluids in the linens? Here the reporters bring in a Geiger Counter and antibiotics. I’m pretty sure I got herpes just from checking in, although it could have been when Mike Hartman of Silver Bullett Pictures shook my hand, who knows.
Oh yeah - there was a convention!!!!
I almost forgot about Ken Foree and Michael Berryman - stars of classic films such as The Devil’s Rejects, The Hills Have Eyes and Dawn Of The Dead. I actually did forget about Bill Moseley from House Of 1000 Corpses, it seems he forget about himself too since this was the second straight year he was on the guest list and didn’t show up…..but who did show you ask? Well lemme tell you somethin…..
Cerina Vincent from Cabin Fever
Danielle Harris of Halloween 4 & 5
Children Of The Corn star Courtney Gains….He was in Back To The Future for like 8 seconds and lists it at the top of his resume like he was a star, what a douchebag. Some people might knock me for calling him a douchebag, but seriously, if I can’t call Courtney Freakin’ Gains a douchebag than I am an absolute nothing in the film industry.
Oh yeah, also appearing were Barbara Nedeljakova of Hostel fame and our sweet ass super fuckin cool convention neighbor Brenna Lee Roth - star of numerous B horror films and also a singer with the band Bosworth, she was kind enough to pose for some photos, which are featured in our store, where you can buy our shit, which you should do right now…..
fine, buy shit after you finish reading.
Motor D graphic arts guru and all around nerdophile Darian whipped up a phenomonal new poster design that we unveiled for the first time, check it out…….
We made big playa style cash money dollars selling our fantastic and reasonably priced DVD’s, which of course you can purchase through our store, and even got half drunk in a mexican restaurant. We really felt like losers until everyone else including Michael Berryman followed suit and crashed Salsita’s with us. 4 pitchers and a plate of nachos later Motor D and Silver Bullett wrecked a hotel room and drank a case of Genny lights while staring out at the hotel pool….check it out!
All in all it was a weekend in another state with nerds and stuff, but it was cool.
The only thing that could have made it cooler was Skankasaurus dancing on a table while Carl Merritt blared Skid Row cassette tapes on his ghetto blaster. I wonder what she’s doing now…..oh that’s right, she’s pimping amateur Ohio wrestling through her own sexy website, don’t believe me, visit skankasaurus on the web at www.amandafire.com
I’ll never forget the look of defeat in her eyes when we saw her emerge from that dirty old mans hotel room last year after a bender that would have put Hemmingway in a coma.
Despite Carl Merritt and his “promo team” skipping this years event, we still had fun. Mike Hartman sold sleazy pictures of his wife Sherrie in order to buy that Bahama Mama hot dog from the gas station he’d been dreaming of, Darian got a speeding ticket, Frank got to hang out with Toby Radloff again and me, what did I get…..I won’t ruin it, you go ahead and insert your own joke.
Now go buy some fuckin DVD’s ya deadbeats
